


Slightly Hysterical Elves

by internal_melodies



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bilbo thinks they're all so cute, Bromance, Domestic Fluff, Dwarves don't know how to deal, Elves are Divas, Elves are dramtic, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Gimili is Amused, Good Parent Bard, Interracial By Fantasy Standards, Interracial Relationship, Kíli is oblivious, Legolas is hysterical, M/M, Parent Thranduil, Tauriel is pissed, Thorin is pissed, Thranduil Not Being An Asshole, Thranduil is pissed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-05-27
Packaged: 2018-03-09 16:24:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3256565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/internal_melodies/pseuds/internal_melodies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone sees Elves as being cool, calm and collected at all times.  Nothing could be further from the truth.<br/>Short prompt inspired works of our favorite Elves, losing their cool and how everyone else deals.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Legolas & Gimli - Jealousy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LittleLynn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLynn/gifts).



> I would like to thank @LittleLynn firstly for her wonderful prompts in A Thousand Ways to Die, that spurred a head canon of Legolas freaking out like a good big brother. From there, this entire thing got blown out of proportion. 
> 
> I have no beta, it is past midnight, I'm pmsing, and I haven't ever really written more than 2 chapters of fanfiction in my life. Also, I'm still trying to not feel awkward about writing kissing, since it's awkward to write for me. Aside from that, I hope you enjoy!

Aragorn sighed, this was not what he had planned for his Saturday night, he had a life, thank you very much, and his plans were more along the lines of spending tonight with his gorgeously beautiful fiancé, not trying to calm his childhood friend while he was in one of his moods.

He sighed, slouching deeper into his chair as he watched Legolas pace the room for what had to be the 50th time in the 15 minutes he’d been inside. “Leg,”

“No. I’m serious.” The blonde bit his lip anxiously, shaking his head as he continued pacing.

Getting to his feet, he stepped over to the low table holding a bottle of wine and a few glasses. Quietly pouring himself a drink, he gestured to his friend, receiving a quick nod in the affirmative. Taking his seat on the couch again, he patted the cushion next to him. Ignoring the dramatic flop and subsequent huff on the couch next to him, Aragorn admired the fine detailing on the stem of his glass. He needed to remember to send out a thank you card to Bilbo and Frodo for the engagement present, they really knew how to – his thoughts were interrupted by the not so quiet sniffling of his best friend.

Sighing, Aragorn grabbed Legolas by the ankle and tugged him close, wrapping his arm around the narrow, bony shoulders covered by a green sweater. “Legolas, honestly I-"

“No Aragorn! I do not want to hear it, ok? I was standing right there, right next to him and-“

Springing to his feet, Legolas wrung his hands together, constantly twisting the jeweled gold band on his finger. Aragorn always thought it ironic how he wore it on the second finger of his left hand, a kind of symbolic not there yet, but pretty much if you asked him, but then again no one did. It’s not like he’s the one that introduced the two of them or anything.

Shaking his head, he took a deep breath before continuing. That’s the problem with Legolas, everyone looks at him and sees calm, cool, and collected; and he is for the most part. But everyone has their breaking point, and when Legolas reaches his the best thing to do is duck and cover. Because there is no way of getting out of there alive, the last time he was this riled up it took both Aragorn and Elrond two days to calm him down, that was when Thranduil had told him he was finally marrying Bard and making it official. Boy, was that a day.

“And what was he supposed to do?” He asked gently, “Start a war in an effort to defend your honor? Come one Legolas, let’s try and remember who the older person in this relationship is.”

“He could have done something! Anything! A look, a glare, he could have-”

“But he didn’t, because you didn’t give him time enough to breathe, let alone to speak!”

Throwing himself back on the couch Legolas wailed, “Why are you on his side?!” Stuffing a pillow under his chin, the older man shot daggers at Aragorn, pouting like he’s been doing since they were 5. “You’re supposed to be my best friend, and that means you always back me up!”

Running his hands through his hair Aragorn gave up, standing to his feet he walked out the room, down into the hallway where he grabbed the both of theirs coats. “Leg, I am on your side. Gimili is a great guy, and I like him because he treats you right.” After getting a nod in agreement, he continued, putting on his coat in the process. “Look, I’m sure this is a big misunderstanding ok? Why don’t you go over and see him tomorrow so you can talk all of this out, ok?”

Holding out Legolas’ heavy wool coat he waited for a reaction, finally his friend sighed and nodded, putting on his coat before enveloping the dark haired man in a bone crushing hug. Squeezing his best friend, his brother tightly Aragorn ran a soothing hand up his back.

“It’s going to be fine, everything is going to be ok.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 _“You can do this.”_ Legolas scoffed as soon as the thought passed through his mind, of course he could do this. He was an Elf Lord for crying out loud, there was very few he had not achieved in his life, and he was not about to start now. Throwing open the heavy doors in front of him, he entered the bedroom of his lover. Gimli was sprawled out on his bed that was ridiculously too big, I mean honestly, Legolas fit in it with room to spare, and he guessed that Dwarves and his Adad _were_ similar in some ways.

Gimli smiled up at his lover, his loose fitting tunic unfastened enough to allow Legolas to catch a glimpse of the broad, hairy and muscular chest his Dwarf had. _His Dwarf._ The thought alone made his body hum, a warm familiar feeling pooling up in his – no. Now is not the time for _that._

Avoiding the bed, and his partner, Legolas sat at a table laid out with chess pieces.

“We need to talk.” He blurted out, wincing as soon as the words left his mouth. _So much for remaining calm._

He could just feel the confusion on Gimli’s face as he replied, “Okay. What about?”

Rolling a pawn piece in between his thumbs, Legolas admired the extreme details put into this set, of course this set was special, as this was the last thing Gimili’s Grand-sire had made for Gimli before he had died in battle. It was one of Gimili’s only memories of him.

“Just, the festival.”

Gimli laughed, whirling around to face him Legolas saw the mirth in his lover’s eyes and the gentle smile on his face and he wanted to smack him.

“Oh that? Are you still going on about that?” Gimli shook his head fondly, he dropped a kiss on the shocked Elf Prince’s nose as he walked by to get into his large dresser closet. “Legolas, calm down, it’s not a big deal.”

Once he realized he had been gaping, Legolas snapped his mouth shut only to sputter out a retort a second later. “Wha- yes, YES I am still going on about it! I actually think it’s a rather big deal and one that needs to be discussed!” Standing to his feet he began pacing, a nasty habit he’d picked up from his father. He came to an abrupt stand still after hearing Gimli chuckling, yet again.

“You’re overreacting.” Gimli was leaning against the doorframe, a towel thrown haphazardly over his shoulder, divested of his tunic, his red hair caught the gleam of the mid-morning sun and my, didn’t he paint a pretty picture. Not that Legolas noticed in the slightest.

Fuming, he stormed up to Gimli, pale complexion flushing with anger and embarrassment. “I’m overreacting? The love of my life gets propositioned be some, some bombo of a dwarf right in front of me- and before you even start defending whoever the hell that was let me tell you something.” Legolas wagged a long, thin finger in the air before forcefully poking the red-haired Dwarf right in the chest. “He most definitely knew who I was, so unless you either have no control over your people or you’re just too ashamed of me to announce that you are completely off the market-“

The growl Gimli emitted was enough to stop the ranting Prince in his tracks, “You go too far.” Shoving aside Legolas’ hand, Gimli stalked past, towards the balcony, hewn out of the mountainside. Stunned, Legolas flushes before following the shorter man.

“I am not finished yet!”

Whirling around, Gimli scowled, “Oh yes you are, don’t you _dare_ say that I-“

“Don’t I dare? Don’t I dare?!” Legolas yelled, his voice going higher to the point of shrieking. “Don’t _you_ dare! I have not spent the length of entire **lifetimes** looking for my soul mate, only to have finally found it in the one Dwarf stupid enough to-”

His words were cut short as Gimli grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him down for a searing kiss. Gasping, Legolas barely registered the rumbling mantra Gimli kept repeating as he ravaged the Elf Prince’s mouth. “I love you. I love you, I love you.” Pulling back, brown eyes met blue as Gimli pulled Legolas close. Rough, calloused hands cradled Legolas’ head, as Gimli brought their foreheads together.

“I love your point little ears, and I love how your hair is so much longer and softer than mine. I love your eyes and how they shine when you laugh, and I love the strange little noises you make when you’re asleep. I love how you secretly love to play the flute, and how you’ll always dance with me even though I step on your toes. I love waking at night to feel your arms around me and I love braiding your hair every morning. I’m in love with you Legolas Greenleaf, you are my life’s One, and I’ll never be ashamed or embarrassed by you. Even if you are the son of Thranduil.”

 

A choked sob was all the response Legolas could muster before pulling his Dwarf, his stupid, senseless, loud, obnoxious- his Dwarf, into another kiss.


	2. Tauriel & Kili - Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone hates Kili, and it's totally his own fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a mess, I am so sorry. There was a completely different plot,and then this chapter became a monster and kept growing and I got scared and let it do what it wanted.
> 
> UPDATE: Special thanks to iAvenge_Nerds for fixing my Sindarian Elvish

“Kili’s gone and got himself into trouble, again.” Fili sighed as he stepped out onto the terrace, his arm wrapping around Sigrid.

“What else is new?” She smirked, running her fingers through his golden hair.

Fili snorted, “My point exactly.” The blonde Dwarf Prince gazed out over the field, watching the small, dark form of his brother scramble after the long thin figure that was Tauriel, apparently his baby brother didn’t understand the meaning of ‘needing some space’.

\------------------------------------------------------

“Of all of the cruel- outrageous- most- ri-diculous things!”

Kili winced as Tauriels arrows tore through the air, the very air around them vibrating with her fury. He knew she had a fiery temper, he’d been on the receiving end of it more times then he’d like to admit, but this time, this time he was really scared.

“B-but, darling please-”

“Don’t you darling me,” The redhead snapped, whirling around to face the Dwarf behind her. “The number of men I have ripped apart is more then you could ever count, don’t try to placate me like I’m some other female.”

“My love, I would never,”

“You’re doing it again!” Casting her bow to the ground, Tauriel reached for the belt of daggers at her waist, throwing them at the targets in front of her, splicing straight through her arrows from before. Sighing, and slightly shaking in his boots Kili shook his head and retreated, hopefully her anger simmered down soon, Tauriel often liked to practice with moving targets as well.

\-------------------------------------------

“Tauriel, now, I don’t mean to pry, but I do hope everything’s ok?”

Tauriel smiled the gentle hand Bilbo laid atop of hers, his warm brown eyes filled with concern. Sighing she shrugged, “I suppose it is. Things always could be worse, but that’s not to say they couldn’t ever be better.”

Bilbo nodded understandingly, settling himself in the plush armchair next to hers he patted her hand softly. “You know you can always talk about it with me if you’d like. I promise I wouldn’t say anything or interfere… Although I can’t promise the same for Thorin, so maybe it’s a better idea that you don’t… I mean, it’s not that I can’t keep a secret from Thorin, I can! I think my past actions have been proof enough, but just when it comes to the boys I don’t like to keep anything from him, he’s such a softie for them, you know and he absolutely adores you no matter what he says and – oh! Tauriel darling, why are you crying? Come now dear, what’s wrong? Tell me, please, what’s the matter?”

Tauriel could feel the snot rising up, the heat of her face and neck from not only her tears but her shame, she was acting like a silly, stupid girl, she knew it but she hardly cared any longer. Throwing her arms around Bilbo as he stood before her, she let down the walls she’d been holding up and she told him. She told Bibo everything and after she told him, she cried. She cried until her face was as red as her hair and she was sure she had ruined Bilbo’s waistcoat in the process. By the time she was done, she looked up, and realized it was not only Bilbo in the room, Thorin Oakenshield had arrived and was staring at the pair in his typical stony silence.

“Your Majesty,” she sniffled, attempting to discreetly wipe her eyes as she stood up and bowed her head. “I apologize for disturbing you, I bid you-“

“I’ll kill him.” The King’s low voice grumbled, his anger evident in the blaze of his eyes.

Stunned, Tauriel gaped, glancing over at Bilbo who was simply looking at Thorin with a small, warm smile. “My Lord?”

Thorin sighed, “I expected a she-elf of your years to be a bit wiser, you know. The reason you were crying, was it because of Kili?” Even though she towered above the Dwarf Lord in stature, the authority in his voice, and his face, made her feel like a little girl. Meekly, she nodded but before she could say another word, the King under the Mountain was rushing out of the room, growling under his breath. “I’m going to kill him.”

\---------

“I’m going to **kill** him!”

“Ada, please this is not the way to handle this.”

“I do not care Legolas, I am going to slice that little Dwarf in half and there is nothing you can do to stop me!” Thranduil declared as he pushed past his son, completely ignoring his pleas and protests. Thranduil stormed down the staircase of his castle, ignoring any and all in his way, until he walked right into Bard.

“Thran, hold on maybe we could just talk about this.”

“No. I’ll be damned if I let anyone hurt my baby girl.”

\--------------

“What the hell did you do?”

Kili groaned as his brother sat down next to him. “Don’t ask me.”

Fili snorted, catching the bartender’s attention, he motioned for two more ales. “You must have some idea, half the castle is abuzz with what it was, the options lay anywhere from impregnating one of the Mounatin’s less refined female company, to shacking up with another Elf.”

Dropping his head against the table Kili groaned, “It’s none of those ok? None! The problem is, the problem is I didn’t do anything!”

“I don’t follow.”

Rubbing his hands against his temples Kili sighed, “Do remember Uncle’s party, the one he had about a fortnight ago?”

Fili smirked, “Do I ever, Sigrid-”

“No no no! I will NOT hear you brag about your wife’s skills in bed!”

Holding his hands up in surrender, Fili laughed, “Ok, ok. So what happened?”

Kili swallowed thickly, “Alright. Well as you know, I got really drunk that night-”

“Like you always do.”

“Hey, I’ve been a lot better lately! Anyway, so Tauriel and I went back to my room and-”

“Hey, if I’m not allowed to brag about my wife in bed then you aren’t allowed to talk about you, well whatever Tauriel is to you, you’re not allowed!”

Slamming his fist down Kili hissed as his face turned red, “Would you shut up and let me finish?!” Noticing the look on his brother’s face, Fili sobered. Breathing heavily, Kili gripped the mug of ale in his hands tightly. “I messed up.” He whispered, “She put a marriage braid in my hair and I messed it all up. When I woke up the next morning, I didn’t even pay attention to what I was doing but, I took it out.” Turning to his older brother, Kili’s faced contorted in sorrow, “She put a _marriage_ braid _in my hair_ and I _took it out._ And later that night, that stupid princess from-“

“Oh Mahal,” Fili groaned, covering his face with his hands.

Grasping the sleeve of his older brother Kili began to cry, “What am I gonna do Fee? Uncle Thorin is so mad at me, Uncle Bilbo is so disappointed, and Tauriel won’t even look at me much less talk to me.” Ducking under Fili’s arm like he was a kid again Kili hid his face against his brother’s chest, “I’m scared Fee.”

\-----------------------------

“My brother is an asshole.” Tauriel didn’t even start, even though Fili could tell she hadn’t realized he had come up next to her.

“On that I can most assuredly agree.”

“Yup, that’s my brother.” Turning the stone in his hands over, Fili skipped it across the lake before listing off his brother’s finest traits. “Asshole, Loudmouth, Idiotic, Rude, Selfish, Immature –”

“What is your point?” Tauriel blurted out, turning her face away from Fili, but not before he could see the tears welling up in her eyes.

Gently taking her hand, Fili guided Tauriel to sit down. “The point is this, my brother is all of these things and more, but if there is one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that my brother is in love with you. That he wants to spend the rest of his days by your side, if you took everything away from him but you, he would still be the happiest man in all of Middle Earth. He loves you Tauriel.”

Tauriel smiled as tears filled her eyes, “I know he does.”

Looking up, the pair saw Kili standing a ways off, face pensive and sad. “Look at him, he looks like a damn puppy that’s been kicked.” Nudging the taller woman up, he gestured to his younger brother, “Go to him.” Smiling, Tauriel placed a light kiss on Fili’s cheek. “Thank you, hanar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in case it wasn't all too clear, Tauriel half-drunkenly braided a really sloppy marriage braid in Kili's hair but since he was drunk as anything he didn't realize it and just took it out with the rest of his braids the next morning.  
> Then a princess comes and hits on our favorite little rascal, and now everyone hates him and Tauriel is ready to either cry or kill him-but most likely both.  
> Also, did you guys like protective!thorin and thranduil? Because I do, they bring me joy :) 
> 
> Also, I couldn't remember the Elvish word for Brother so I looked it up, and I got Muindor, please tell me if it's wrong and if there is a reliable site I can use to reference these types of things. Thank you!


	3. You're my Wonderwall (part 1) - Tauriel & Killi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was a barista; He was a customer.  
> Could I make it anymore obvious? 
> 
> (Part 1 - Another Journal Entry)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm completely obsessed with the songs Wonderwall and Champagne Supernova by the band Oasis.  
> If you want, definitely listen to Wonderwall while reading this chapter, it sums it up perfectly. 
> 
> I also happen to be a barista, and I may or may not have taken things about my real life experiences and placed it into this chapter /these upcoming chapters. These few chapters have been in the works for while, but my free trial for Word expired, and then I was too tired from working 9 hr shifts everyday to do any writing after homework, so that was a bummer. These shouldn't be too far apart though, but we'll see. Hope you enjoy~ Comments/Feedback/Advice always appreciated!

 

He's perfect. He's everything I want. He's everything I need.  
He's short, yeah, but with eyes like that cares?  
He has, a look in his face, a sparkle in his eyes, I've never seen a guy like that.  
He lights up the room, whenever he walks in, the place feels lighter, like he's a ray of sunshine on a cold, wet day.  
God, I sound like a teenager. I feel like one.  
Drawing pretty pink hearts in my journal, like I'm 17 again. I'm 20 fucking 2, and I'm in love with the guy who buys coffee at my job.  
Every Thursday, at around 1pm he walks by, sometimes he'll come in on Saturday mornings, at around 9:30 and he still sleepy. It's so cute.  
  
He has dogs too, ones a German Shepard, that's Jack, and the other is a lab mix, and that's Keap. Yeah that's right, Keap.  
He says it's because the minute he saw her, he knew he had to keep her. It's such a lame story, but I can't help but find it cute.  
He talks a lot, so it's kind of creepy how well I know him.  
He still lives with mom, but I still live with Ada Thran, so who am I to judge?  
  
His uncle is pushing him to finish business school, but he's really not feeling it, ya know?  
I don't blame him, it's the intro to business classes I have to take, and I want to die. Imagine having to major in it?  
But it's for the family business, or so he says, he's never actually told me what the family business is- and this may sound creepy, but he doesn't pay with a card, so I can't take a peek at his name and find out who he is. I mean, I know who he is.  
He's Killian, but, all his friends call him Killi.  
  
He's Killi, he likes chocolate chip muffins, lemon raspberry cupcakes, and he takes cinnamon in every latte he's ever ordered, he has an older brother, and a pretty big extended family. He has brown hair that falls down in wavy curls that he ties up in a ponytail. Sparkling eyes that laugh, and a smile that makes me turn to jelly... and I'm in love with him.


	4. Thranduil & Bard; Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thranduil doesn't have time for this.

Thranduil didn't know what to expect when he let Sigrid pick the music, but he did not expect to get some hip hop/rap song stuck in his head. In his defense, it was a really catchy beat, and the way Sigrid was passionately singing along, how could he not go along and “whip his hair back and forth”? 

Sigrid, bless her heart, was so excited to have someone sing along with her, that she put another song on. This one Thranduil did know, because Legolas sang it a lot when it first came out, and it took Thranduil way too long to realize his son wasn't actually talking about the ice cream kind of milkshakes. So of course, he sang along and prided himself on remembering bits of the dance Legolas had tried to teach him, he pulled it off well enough while driving that Sigrid recorded him on her phone. 

He was having such a good time that he didn't notice until later how loud the music was playing, he did have a state of the art stereo system, and it was a nice day so he had pulled the top to his convertible down, but still- he didn't realize it was loud enough to hear it down the street.

After that, Thranduil requested The Pussycat Dolls, and by the time they had reached Bard's Auto Shop they were in full swing. Pulling into the garage he caught sight of his husband's broad grin as Sigrid sashayed out the car, singing about her future groupies. Grinning sheepishly he leaned over for a quick kiss, reveling in feeling Bard's hand instinctively flex, he hated to touch Thranduil while at work; “I'll ruin your clothes.” He'd say. As if Thranduil gave a fuck. 

A shrill voice interrupted what was otherwise an absolutely fantastic kiss.  
“Is this the famous designer husband you were telling me about, Bardy?”  
Thranduil knew that tone, whirling around he was faced with what on any other circumstances he would consider a very attractive woman. Her pouty, dark wine colored lips complimented her skin perfectly, and she knew it too. Her clothes were near immaculate, tank top clinging to her curves in ways that models would kill for, in essence she was the body a designer prayed for.  
But Thranduil could care less about that, putting on his cool smile-the one he saved for the press and other snakes he held out his hand. “I am, and you are?” Taking his hand, the slimy worm smiled, her bright white teeth almost blinding, “I'm Susanne.”  
Nodding slightly, Thranduil quickly placed his hand back in his pocket, he was just about to turn and face his husband when Susanne piped up again. “Well, singing may not be your thing, but I'm sure your clothes are beautiful. 

Bard piped up from behind him, and Thranduil could just see him twiddling with the frays on his jumpsuit cuffs. Something he did only when he was nervous that Thran was about to blow.  
“Susanne-uhm, she came in to get her tires, checked.”  
“How nice, I do hope everything was all right.”  
Waving her hand nonchalantly, Susanne nodded, “Yes they're fine, just needed to fill them up, they were running a bit low.”  
“I see,” Thranduil all but sneered, “It's always convenient to have a ready supply of hot air around, isn't it darling?” Turning his eyes over to his husband, he almost felt bad for how nervous Bard looked. He shot Thranduil a placating look, Please don't. Not here, not right now.  
Sighing to himself, Thranduil nodded briskly, “Right, well Susan-”  
“Its Susanne.”  
“Right, of course, Su, it was lovely meeting you, but I have kids to pick up so if you could just give me a few minutes with my husband-”  
“Oh yes, of course.”  
Thranduil waited a full 7 seconds before raising an eyebrow at the serpent in front of him, who promptly scurried off to the far end of the garage. It wasn't until then that Thranduil let out a sigh of relief. 

“What the fuck was that?”  
Turning toward his husband, he smiled as Bard leaned against his convertible. Stepping up, into the space between Bard's legs Thranduil snickered. “That my darling husband, is simply me, claiming my territory.”  
Pressing his lips against Bard's neck, Thranduil reveled in the taste and smell of motor oil and sweat, and the distinctively Bard smell, like, cloves and the Chai Tea he sneaks when he thinks no one is looking. “I thought, all animals mark their territory.”  
Sliding a hand down the faded grey jumpsuit Thranduil purred, “Oh they do, but that can't happen until tonight.” Grasping Bard's crotch he gave it a firm squeeze, before lightly skimming his fingers across the zippered fly. “And that may take a while.”  
Pulling back, he smirked at Bard's already flushed face and slowly growing erection.  
“Remember to pick up a pizza on the way home.”  
“You know, I think we need to switch it up a bit, I'm beginning to think the kids are catching on.”  
“Oh Bard please, they're children, we're their parents, they don't even think of us that way.”

 

 

Legolas shrugged as Bain came into the kitchen, sitting on a bar stool the younger boy groaned,  
“You know, they really need to start getting something other than pizza when they want to shag each other's brains out, I'm kind of getting sick of pepperoni.”  
Legolas nodded, after a moment he sighed, “D'you wanna get some Chinese?”  
Bain's face lit up as he nodded, Legolas smiled and ruffled his younger brother's hair.  
“Ok, go get the girls and let's get outta here.”

Snatching the keys off the hook, Legolas climbed halfway up the stairs before leaning against the banisters. “Ada! Bard! We know you're busy shagging up there, but the kids and I are tired of pizza so we're off to find something a bit more appetizing. Text me if you want anything!”  
Sigrid was waiting for him at the door, giggling behind her hand, “Ada's going to be furious.”  
“Oh he'll be fine.” Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he smirked before showing it to Sigrid.  
“See what I mean?”  
It was a text from Thranduil;

_Fuck off ___


	5. You're my Wonderwall (part 2) - Tauriel & Killi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is 100% based off of a real scenario

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LATE.  
> I BEG YOUR FORGIVENESS.
> 
> Also, this is a complete cracky drabble thing, I don't know.   
> But I hope you like it!  
> Hooray for sassy!Legolas, my favorite kind of Legolas!

“OH HELL NO!”

Legolas dropped the pack of individually wrapped straws at Taueirl's voice, and ran from the stockroom up to the front of the cafe.

“What? What's happened? Is something wrong?”

“HOW DARE HE? I'm going to KILL him!”

“What? Kill WHO?” Legolas is whipping his head around so fast, his loosely tied bun is falling out, spilling his long blonde hair down his back.

Gesturing wildly toward the large front window, Tauriel sighs exasperatedly, “Did you see that?”

“Tauriel, I swear if you do not tell me what is going on-”

“The guy! He just walked by, with a jacket, and a helmet! Like-”

Holding up a hand, Legolas took a deap breath. “Let me get this straight, you gave me a freaking heart attack over some guy?”

“Not SOME guy, THE guy!” The redhead whined.

“Your boyfriend.” The older man deadpanned as he began making his way back towards the storeroom.

“He's NOT my boyfriend Leg, that's the problem.”

Turning back around, Legolas raised an eyebrow, “Well, you should get on that.”

“Oh I'm getting on that alright, who does he think he is, walking around in a leather jacket with a motorcycle helmet like he fucking owns the place. I'm gonna punch him in the face.”

Legolas quietly watched as Tauriel furiously dried glasses before speaking, “You know, I've realized that when you say that, you don't mean in literally. It's some weird way for you to release sexual frustration.”

Groaning loudly, Tauriel rolled her eyes. “Gee thanks, Captain Obvious, it only took you how many years of knowing me to figure that out?”

Throwing up his hands in surrender, Legolas continued backing away from the front. “Hey, I'm your brother. I'm not supposed to delve deep into your sexual life. It's a rule.”

“yeah yeah whatever.”

 

About 10 minutes later, while Tauriel was on break, Legolas leaned against the counter to grab her attention. “Seriously though, Tauriel.”

Whipping her head up from her phone, she glanced around the practically empty cafe, “What? What's going on?”

Pointing outside, Legolas whispered. “Get. ON. THAT.”

Following his finger, Tauriel caught a glimpse of Kili, climbing off of his bike and hot damn the way his jeans clung to his ass should have been illegal. “I plan to.” She whispered.

 


End file.
